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5 Steps to Forgiveness

Updated: May 10, 2022


1. See the human being in the projection.


A significant part of what we see in other people, particularly those with whom we have an emotional history can often be a projection of our own unconscious attitudes toward that person, and not a reflection of how they are behaving. This is difficult to see in ourselves, and tends to be even more pronounced in people we’ve known for a long time, particularly our parents or loved one.

See the person in him/her and not the idea of what we think how it should be. Doing so isn't an easy process, as looking at shortcomings in both people is necessary.

Over time, as self improvement flourishes a person can build a new relationship, based on fresh experiences and not sour expectations.


2. Constantly re-assess your expectations.


When trying to start afresh reassess your old expectations. Whenever he/she would act in a certain way, such as making empty promises or failing to be there for me when I need him/her, it would trigger an old story (and old emotions) I had about how it's always been this way or how it's never changed. But each time I did so, I was able to reassess expectations.


A cynical way to look at this would be to say that I lowered them. But who’s to say for whatever reason they weren’t too high to begin with? When a person begins to act in a way that is more congruent with expectations , both can be happier, and actions began to positively surprise.


3. Look at the world from their perspective.


The spiritual teacher Ram Dass once said: “If you think you’re enlightened, go spend a week with your family.”

Perhaps we cannot justify other's actions but can see the rationale in them, and have empathy for the person as being a flawed human being, rather than someone who had intentionally done wrong.


4. Practice acceptance in all areas of life.


Try and accept things the way they are. Practice acceptance as a skill.

Try acceptance with little things like traffic on the way to work and rudeness by people in shops. Acceptance when something I didn’t like on the news or friend of mine had been a little thoughtless. Making a habit to accept things that you don't like about yourself and finally, acceptance for a person/s who have hurt.


5. View relationships as fluid, not solid.


Fluid relationships mean that people can enter and leave, their roles could change, as could the way we related to each other. Unfortunately, this is a natural fact of life, and the choice we have is whether or not we resist it.


Learning to let go of people you love when they’ve hurt you is one of the most difficult challenges we will face in a lifetime. Letting go of someone may be releasing the grip you have on the idea of who they should be. Sometimes you can still maintain a relationship, just not the one you want. And sometimes, that’s exactly what you need.


Extracts from Tiny Buddha



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